Tuesday, June 7, 2011

The Honeymoon is Over


The Honeymoon is Over

So, it’s been 5 days and my FACSINATE-ing new phone (I’ll call him Sam, short for Samsung) and I are having issues. The honeymoon is over and we are in the gritty reality of negotiating our love-hate relationship. In the midst of a recent heated argument, he and I (with the help of a skilled counselor) worked a few things out. For instance:

Me: Are you always going to make it this hard for me to type a text message?

Sam: wel;, if u wld lrn. 2 typp or els cut yr fngermails, it wld hp

Me: I never had this problem with my ex, Flip.

Sam: Flip didn’t hav txting

Me: Nevertheless, the nails are staying and I can type fairly well with the side of the third finger of my right hand.

Sam: I cn c that *sarcastic grin*

Me: *may or may not have lifted third finger of right hand in response*

Me: I am so frustrated!! I can’t type a complete word let alone sentence, and every time I try to send a text message, I call the person instead (Sorry Liz!)

Sam: (silent mode ON)

Me: Well, what do you have to say for yourself, huh? We were so in love a few days ago, and now?

Sam: I thnk we may ned ph.one thrapy. *Calling Jake*’

Jake: What we have here is a failure to communicate.

Me: I’m trying to communicate. Sam won’t cooperate!

Sam: Hey, Im a comm..uni*catIOn dvice, babb.

Me: babb?

Sam: I mean, BABE.

Jake: Ok, you two. I have a suggestion. Look at Sam’s screen. Now do you two see this little microphone symbol?

Sam: I don’t hav eyes, bt I no it’s here sumwher.

Me: Oh this?

Jake: That’s it. Now press it and talk, and it will type what you say.

Me:*glimmer of hope* OK, "I love Lloyd."

Sam: void.

Sam: And who’s Lloyd?

Me: No, not “void," "I LOVE LLOYD."

Sam: AVOID

Me: (tapping) No I said" I Love Lloyd!"

Sam: No Ice in the soy.

Me: Good grief!

Sam: Wood thief.

Me: *cocking back throwing arm*

Jake: Now now now. Let’s all take a deep breath and try something else.

Sam: *vibrating in fear*

Me: This better work!

Jake: I think it will. Have you ever heard of SWYPE?

Me: No.

Sam: I thot as mch. U real.ly Don t knw me at al.

Me: Can we do without the smug remarks?

Sam: *Silent mode ON*

Me: Hey, I’m trying my best okay?

Jake: Yeah, yeah , now just trace your finger from letter to letter without lifting it from Sam’s keyboard

Me: *swyping*

Sam: Oh, that feels good.

Me: You like that Sam?

Sam: It feels good AND it's spelled correctly. I think we could make this work.

Me: Me too, but I may have just accidentally taken a picture of my thigh.

Sam: *sending*

Me: Sam WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Sam: Oops, I thought you wanted to forward that to your co-worker.

Me: Really Sam? Really?! I can’t believe this!

Sam: *Static* I think I’m losing signal.

Me: You’re wifi.

Sam: I mean, I think my battery is dying.

Me: What a baby.

So, like any relationship, we are in the ebb cycle of ebb and flow. I’m trying my best, but if you get a photo message from me saying “Thinking of you, baby. See you tonight” and you aren’t Lloyd? Well, if you could just…uh…ignore that please. Thank you so much

Dear Verizon:

I will not be upgrading again anytime soon.

Very Sincerely,

Shirley