Thursday, November 1, 2012

It's a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day!

I think I'll move to Australia...

Ever read that book? Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day, by Judith Viorst? Well, I have read it. Many, many times.

Today I am living it, and not only am I wanting to move to Australia (where it's warm), it appears I may have to change my name to Alexander because Shirley is on the fast track to the psych unit.

First, I'm tired. I'm always tired these days (due to a recent battle with a pulmonary embolism), but lately am also struggling with sleep a little, so I'm sleepy. Next, the dog peed on the bathroom rug. AGAIN. It has become a nightly ritual that I do not appreciate. I thoroughly believe her mission in life is a never-ending quest to saturate, with urine, every square inch of my house at some point. Granted she is 16 years old and bladder control can be an issue for the nearly 102-year-old (in dog years), but on the other hand she is 16 years old, and that is plenty old enough to know better! She is a mini-dachshund who has never really taken to potty training, thus my concurrent mental illness for the same 16 years. She makes me crazy! This is a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

While I am putting the rugs in the washer for the seventy-thousandth time, I discover that for the second time in a week I have no hot water. None. Zippo. The first sign of our water heater's demise (she is only 10 years old and should have many good years left in her, darn it!) was no hot water Sunday morning when I went to get ready for church. Did I mention it hit 16 degrees outside, and since we haven't winterized the swamp cooler, there was no fire for heat? I live in the equivalent of Siberia some days. So I tried to boil enough water to wash my hair and sponge bath, but as soon as I poured it into the icy cold porcelain bathtub, it cooled to less than lukewarm before the next batch would boil. This is a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day, I cried. No one responded.

In the middle of that fiasco, Lloyd discovered that if he turned off the lower element and turned up the upper element we could indeed get hot water. He did not, for some reason, feel the need to mention that to me until I was throwing a fit wondering aloud if I might possibly be freezing to death. So, I eventually got a warm bath and all was well. We had bought ourselves a few days to decide what to do to remedy the situation.

Lloyd's idea of remedying a situation and mine differ greatly, in the Grand Canyon gap kind of way. I want to get in, get it done, get out and get on with things. He wants to think about them. Sometimes for really long periods of time that include time for playing Ipod games and watching silly TV sitcoms. Thus the result this morning, exactly 5 days later: there is again no hot water. And it refuses to be remedied in any kind of temporary way. Lloyd putters with it for a while making himself late for work. I have a meeting at 8:30 am. And thus cannot be late for work. I wash my hair in frigid water. Then I sponge bath the nether regions and put on two layers of warm pajamas to warm up while I do hair and make up. I am having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day, I yell and stomp my feet. The dog glances up at me with tired eyes, and I'm pretty sure a full bladder.

Meanwhile, Lloyd lies on the bed...thinking. With his eyes shut. I go to work, where it is also freezing, and turn on the space heater two inches from my frozen toes. Okay, I am wearing flip flops, but it really is cold! He says he'll be in later to get parts to try and fix it. Of course, as I write it's 11 am. And the hardware stores have been open since 7 am. But who's counting? I am, that's who. Me! It's a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. And I'm not even halfway through it!

Also, my power steering pump has been going out for weeks, and the brakes are squalling about needing new pads, and my car can be heard coming for miles away. Impressive huh? Also my cell phone has been dying a slow death. (Damn, you Sam! ((remember that post?)) ) so I have finally had to order a new one. This is a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day! Maybe even worse than that!

So the aforementioned book ends with the mommy telling young Alexander that some days are like that...even in Australia.

But I'm still going. Just as soon as I finish paying off the new water heater, car power steering pump and buy a new cell phone.

Just call me Alexander. Shirley has been appropriately restrained and medicated until further notice.

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